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HUGGER-MUGGER 



A FARCE IN ONE ACT 



BY 



H. SAVILE CLARKE 



New Yoek 
SAMUEL FRENCH 

PUBLISHEB 

28-30 West 38th STREET 



London 
SAMUEL FRENCH, Ltd. 
26 Southampton Stbeet 
STRAND 






HUGGER-MUGGER 



A FARCE IN ONE ACT 



BY 



A 



H.' SAVILE CLARKE 



New York 
SAMUEL FRENCH 

PUBLISHES 

28-30 West 38th STREET 



London 
SAMUEL FRENCH, Ltd. 
26 Southampton Stbeet 
STRAND 



^ 






O 



HUGGER-MUGGER 



CHARACTERS 

Horatio Nelson Hugger (a Mendicant and 

Medium) 
Moses Mugger (a dealer in Marine Stores) 

A Customer 



•3, L"(f Util- 
'1% 



HUGGER-MUGGER 



Scene : Mugger's Lodgings. A shahhily furnished 
room zvith door, c, and windows r. c. and l. c. ; 
in the latter are marine stores; fireplace, r., hut 
no furniture ' on that side of a chalk mark 
drazvn down c. of stage; tables, chairs, drazvers, 
shelf, cupboard, and various pictures and 
picture-frames, l. ; slielf strongly made over 
door, c. 

(Mugger discovered drazving the chalk line down 
stage, c.) 

Mugger. {After drazving the chalk line) There, 
that makes the other side of the room into a very- 
eligible unfurnished apartment. No one can call it 
furnished, for a fireplace isn't furniture, and I've 
taken down the blind, and that line is the partition 
between me and my lodger. It's quite enough to 
keep us private, that, and still I can see his little 
games if he's up to any: but he'll have to get up 
considerably before the early bird if he takes in 
Moses Mugger ! Yes ! that makes a nice room that 
line does, quite an eligible apartment. All apart- 
ments are eligible as I ever heard tell of, just as all 
shopkeepers, barring that publican next door, are 
respectable. Now I've nothing to do but to sort my 
marine stores and wait for my lodger. He promised 
to come early in the morning. {A loud double knock 
heard outside) Ah ! there he is. I won't go directly 

3 



4 HUGGER-MUGGER 

and then he'll think I keep a servant, for they're 
never in a hurry, and perhaps it'll please him to 
think so for a bit. {Knock heard again) Ah! a 
very respectable knock. I can always reckon a man 
up by a look at his boots and the way he knocks at 
a door, — I haven't seen this chap's boots yet, but I 
should say from his knock he's a good opinion of 
himself. {Knock heard again louder than ever, 
Mugger goes to door and opens it) 

{Enter Hugger, c, ivith a camp stool and a small 
bundle in a pocket-handkerchief.) 

Mugger. {Boiving) Glad to see you, sir. 

Hugger. Ah ! thanks, my good man Are you 
the landlord's valet, or 

MuGGEG. I'm the landlord, sir, and you are 

Hugger. Mr. Hugger, sir, at your service. 
Horatio Nelson Hugger. I am named after Eng- 
land's greatest naval commander, because my father 
had only one eye and one arm, and because my 
mother's name was Emma, and she was always 
understood to be like Lady Hamilton. I may add 
that my father also resembled England in Nelson's 
signal, for he always expected every man to do his 
duty. 

Mugger. You are welcome, sir. I trust you will 
like your apartment. 

Hugger. I dare say I shall. Will you show it 
to me? 

Mugger. {Pointing r.) There, sir. 

Hugger. Eh? {Looking all round) This room ; 
but I wrote that I desired an unfurnished apart- 
ment 

Mugger. Exactly so, sir ; and on that side of the 
partition you will find no furniture. 

Hugger. That side of the partition? {Aside) 
The man's mad! Horatio Nelson — nerve yourself 



HUGGER-MUGGER 5 

for an encounter with a lunatic! (Aloud) I see 
no partition. 

Mugger. It is nevertheless visible, sir — just b*"- 
fore you. 

Hugger. Hem ! The undressed eye fails to per- 
ceive it. Have you a microscope? 

Mugger. That chalk mark on the floor, sir, at 
your feet, is the partition. This side is my room, 
furnished. That side is your room, unfurnished. 
You will remember that I said on my little card that 
the apartment was semi-detached ! 

Hugger. Ugh ! — that appears to be demi-semi- 
detached. But no matter, I did not expect marble 
halls for eighteen-pence a-week. 

Mugger. You will find it very comfortable, sir. 
When does your furniture arrive? 

Hugger. My furniture? It is here ! (Shozvs the 
camp-stool) 1 have never dared to store it since 
the fire at the Pantechnicon. My luggage (Showing 
bundle) is here also. 

Mugger. But, won't you want a chair and table ? 

Hugger. Well, I was brought up in luxury, and, 
now you mention it, I could do with a chair and a 
table, and, by the way. there's no blind. I'm ac- 
customed to being a public character, but the gaze 
of the populace might prove embarrassing while 
dressing. 

Mugger. Very well, but then it'll be a furnished 
apartment, and I shall want more for it. (As he 
speaks he places a chair, table, and blind, r.) 

Hugger. Mercenary being — how much? 

Mugger. Sixpence a week. 

Hugger. It is yours. 

Mugger. No it isn't — not yet. (Holds out his 
hand) 

Hugger. 'Tis ever thus — the gold won by honest 
toil goes to fatten an avaricious dealer in marine 



6 HUGGER-MUGGER 

stores! Here you are, Mr. . By the way, 

what's your mercenary name? 

Mugger. Mugger, sir — Moses Mugger. 

Hugger. Well, then, honest Moses, let us be 
friends ! Let me visit you when heart yearns to 
heart ! What are chalk lines that they should divide 
sympathetic souls? 

Mugger. (Aside) He's a swindler; I'll lay my 
life upon it. or he wouldn't patter such sentiment ! 
(Aloud) Well, then, Mr. Horatio Hugger 

Hugger. Horatio Nelson Hugger, if you please, 
landlord. I am named after England's greatest 
naval commander, because 

Mugger. Thank you; you mentioned that before. 
Well, you can sit here a bit. \\'iH you have a pipe? 

Hugger. Well, I am not an habitual smoker — it 
doesn't agree with me ; but still ; to oblige you, my 
good host 

Mugger. Oh, don't oblige me, if it doesn't agree 
with you — you might be took bad. 

Hugger. No, no, ]\Ioses ; I've nothing to do with 
illness, except professionally! (They seat them- 
selves at each side of table, l. ; and Mugger having 
placed pipes and tobacco on table, they commence 
smoking) 

Mugger. Why, you don't mean to say you're a 
doctor, or a monthly nurse? 

Hugger. No, Mugger — I am a mendicant ! 

Mugger. Thank 3^e ! Never bothers my head 
about riddles — give it up ! 

Hugger. In plain words, then, I am a gentleman 
beggar. 

Mugger. Are you? It strikes me, then, there's 
plenty of your sort about ! A good many gentlemen 
are beggars, though it don't seem to ^inch their 
stomachs much when they are. 

Hugger. There are many different occupations 
open to a man — I am also a medium. I can call 



HUGGER-MUGGER 7 

up your departed relations at five bob a head, and a 
reduction on taking a quantity. 

Mugger. Can you really now ! I hope you won'^ 
bring my old woman back — she might catch cold 
with the change of climate. 

Hugger. Yes, I'm a most powerful medium ; in 
fact, the spirits are always sloping round with me, 
like tame cats. 

Mugger. You don't say so ! You make me quite 
nervous. Are there any with you now? 

Hugger. Not exactly. I left John Bunyan out- 
side. 

Mugger. What, at the public? 

Hugger. Peace, scoffer, or he may hear you ! 
and spirits are very cantankerous ; they whack you 
over the head like anything. 

Mugger. I humbly beg Mr. Bunyan's pardon. 
You make me quite nervous. 

Hugger. Let me restore you then ; talking is dry 
work — can't you go and procure a slight stimulant? 
Unless my eyes deceived me, there is a public-house 
next door ; and they don't often deceive me in the 
matter of public-houses ! 

Mugger. Well, give us the money. (Aside) I 
wonder if I dare leave him? 

Hugger. There you are, landlord. Be speedy, 
for I was born under a thirsty star. 

Mugger. (Aside) Aye, and a prigging one, I'll 
be bound ! I'll keep an eye on this cove. (Exit, c.) 

Hugger. (Starting up and prying about) This 
JMugger's a miser, I'll swear. If I could only dis- 
cover his store ! (Looks in drazvers, etc. — Mugger 
appeafs outside at zvindozv, r. c, and secretly 
zvatches him ) No, there's nothing here ! And, by- 
the-bye, 1 must secrete my own money. It's not 
safe to carry one's little board about with one. 
(Goes to table, r., opens small drazver, puts money 
in, locks it up, and puts the key in his pocket — 



8 HUGGER-MUGGER 

Mugger makes a gesture of triumph) There. I 
think that will be safe ! 

{Enter Mugger, zvith beer, c.) 

Mugger. Here's the beer! 

Hugger. Good, my Ganymede ! 

Mugger. Your ivhat? If you begin calling 
names, you'll get the worst of it ! 

Hugger. 'Twas a compliment, good landlord. I 
see, though your manners are those of a duke out 
at the elbows, your classical education has been 
neglected. 

Mugger. Very likely; but for all that I'm a 
buster at bad language. 

Hugger. Give me your hand, I honour a buster. 
Pass the beer. " I drink to Master Bardolph and to 
all." See Shakespeare, passim. {Drinks) 

Mugger. I wish you would pass him. {Takes 
hold of tJie quart measure) Drat Shakespeare. 

Hugger. With all my heart, Moses ; a popular 
writer, but very much overrated. But how goes 
business, Mr. Mugger, you make heaps of monev, 
eh? 

Mugger. Not much. Marine stores ain't what 
they used to be, and I've been obliged to come down 
in the world and sell pictures ; and that leaves me 
no money to invest. 

Hugger. {Aside) Ha! — " invest" — now I knov/ 
where to have him ! {Aloud) Investment is a great 
thing, Mr. Mugger. 

Mugger. I believe you — why I've nearly made 
my fortune lots of times. 

Hugger. Indeed ! and how did you miss it ? 

Mugger. Why, if you'll believe me, whenever I 
had spotted a real good thing, my funds would never 
run to paper and stamps to apply for shares. Just 
my luck ! But how does your begging get on? 



HUGGER-MUGGER 9 

Hugger. Passably, sir, passably. I have been 
doing the blind dodge lately ; but really rolling one's 
sightless orbs is so deuced fatiguing, and gives an 
air of permanent vacuity to one's face. 

Mugger. The blind dodge. Did you ever stand 
in Tottenham Court Road? 

Hugger. Yes, frequently. 

Mugger. Then blarm me if I didn't give you a 
pennv one day. Oh ! what a flat I must have been. 

Hugger. Generous being. But my blind get up 
is nothing to my attenuated cripple, with the picture 
of the accident. 

Mugger. What at the mill, with the legs and arms 
flying about, and the blood all over the picture, as 
if it had been put on with a squirt? 

Hugger. Yes. 

Mugger. Why I gave you another penny. Cuss 
me, Mr. Hugger, if I don't think I've been keeping 
you for weeks. 

EIuGGER. Bless you, my benefactor. I will return 
your kindness, I will be a brother to you. 

Mugger. No, thankye. I had one brother, and 
he was too much for me. He got me quodded. 

Hugger. Well, then, make it father; should be 
charmed to be sister to you if feasible. 

Mugger. Oh ! stash that. How about some more 
beer? 

Hugger. Certainly. Allow me to go this time. 
(Aside) I've got another suit of clothes round the 
corner, and I'll try it on with Moses. (Exit, C.) 

Mugger. Well, he's a rum un anyway. It's very 
well I know where his tin is. But I hope he v/on't 
bring any of his blooming spirits here. I've always 
heard there's a desperate want of principle among 
'em, and I'm an honest man I am. 

(Enter Hugger disguised as financial agent, c. — 
Mugger does not know him.) 



10 HUGGER-MUGGER 

Hugger. Is— a— Mr. Hugger in ? 

Mugger. No, yes, that is not precisely. 

Hugger. (Aside) Prevaricating old scoundrel. 
(Aloud) Ah! I wished to see him on some im- 
portant business, — a new speculation. 

Mugger. Oh! that alters the case. I am in his 
confidence in all such matters. In fact I manage 
them for him. 

Hugger. (Struggling 7vith rage) Indeed! May 
I ask if you have known him long? 

Mugger. Bless you, sir, for years. I have been 
a father to him ! He cut his eye teeth under my 
watchful care, and I spanked him with parental 
impartiality. 

Hugger. (Aside) The old rascal, and I never 
saw him till to-day. (Aloud) Then I can safely 
trust you with the details of this scheme? 

Mugger. Surely, sir, surely. (Rubbing hands 
and looking eager) 

Hugger. Are you an investor yourself? You 
look like a man, excuse me for saying so, who is 
" warm," very " warm," sir. 

Mugger. (Deprecatingly) I have done fairly, 
sir, and I may be tempted, what is your scheme? 

Hugger. A little thing of my own, sir. A 
unique idea. " The Nursemaid's Protection Society 
for the Suppression of Soldiers," capital ten thou- 
sand pounds, in shares of ten pounds each, of which 
only half will be called up in the first instance. 

Mugger. An excellent idea, sir. I really think I 
will have a few shares. 

Hugger. (Aside) This is glorious, if only I can 
catch the old villain. (Aloud) How many shall I 
put yoii down for, sir? 

Mugger. Well, let me see how much money I 
have — (Goes to Hugger's draiver, zvhere the moncv 
is, takes another key out of his pocket, and de- 
liberately unlocks it — Hugger looking on in horror 



HUGGER-MUGGER ii 

and rage) Ah! I think I'll have one share. Here 
are five pounds. 

Hugger. (Choking zvith rage) Thank you. By 
the way, is this investment for yourself or — or Mr. 
Hugger ? 

Mugger. Oh! for myself. Put down Moses 
Mugger, Esq., I'll ask Hugger to invest when he 
comes in. 

Hugger. (Grimly) Oh ! you'll ask Hugger — will 
you — thank you, sir. Good day, sir, — don't forget 
to ask Hugger. (Aside, — going out) Oh! the 
hoarv old villain, won't I be even with him for this. 
(Exh, c.) 

Mugger. Now if that investment turns out well, 
I shall, of course, refund Hugger his cash. I didn't 
do it in his name, for I'm too conscientious, it would 
have made him responsible, — now Fm responsible, 
and Hugger can't lose. What a thing it is to be an 
honest man. By the way, Hugger's a long time 
about bringing the beer, I'll go and look after him. 
{Exit, c.) 

(Enter Hugger directly afterzvards, c.) 

Hugger. Now the coast's clear, and I'll have a 
rise out of the old varmint. Some of the neighbours 
tell me that he most shamefully ill-used his wife. 
I'll be a spirit, I will, and stir up his nasty evil old 
conscience. Ah! I hear him coming! (Gets on a 
chair and climbs up to the shelf above the door, c, 
where he lies) 

' (Enter Mugger, c.) 

Mugger. He wasn't at the pub. ; and he isn't 
here. Dear me ! can he have bolted ? How very 
lucky it was that I took his money and invested it 
for him. (Hugger groans, Mugger starts violently) 



12 HUGGER-MUGGER 

Ah! what was that? (Hugger groans again, and 
gives a tap) There it is again! Oh. it's a spirit! 
It's that Jack Bunyan perhaps. Huggar's been bor- 
rowing money of him, and he's following him about 
for it. (Hugger groans again) Oh, dear, what 
have I done to deserve this? I must find out whose 
spirit it is. (Goes on his knees and says) — Speak, 
disembodied spirit ! who art thou ? 

Hugger. (In a hoUoiv voice) Thy deceased 
wife. 

IMugger. Yes, yes ; she was diseased, she'd the 
rheumatics awful. 

Hugger. (Aside) Curse him. he doesn't under- 
stand EngHsh. (Aloud) Thy departed good lady. 

Mugger. Ha ! I recognise the voice ! Oh, 
.Susanna Maria Jane, forgive me! 

Hugger. (Aside) W'hat a beast of a name! 
(Aloud) No, Moses, I do not forgive you. You 
murdered me. 

Mugger. Hush ! hush, good spirit ! somebody 
might hear you. / didn't do it — it was drink. 

Hugger. Moses, you seriously injured me 

Mugger. Not seriously, sweet spirit ; I only broke 
one arm. 

Hugger. (Aside) Ahem! that was rather rough 
on Susanna Maria Jane. (Aloud) But how about 
my teeth? 

Mugger. Oh, good spirit, don't mention that — 
they were very loose when I knocked 'em out. 
Have mercy ; spare me ! 

Hugger. You had no mercy on me. I shall come 
and torment you to-night. 

Mugger. No, not to-night, good Susanna Maria 
Jane — not to-night. I've got quite enough to bear. 
I've got a lodger, and he's nuts on spirits. He 
might gallivant with you, Susanna Maria Jane, you 
hadn't much character to lose when you were here, 
but I suppose you want to keep respectable now. 



HUGGER-MUGGER 13 

(Aside) Not that character's of much consequence 
though where you are. 

Hugger. \\'ho is your lodger? 

Mugger. Oh, a beast ! 

Hugger. A what? 

Mugger. A wretched prig, as full of bad habits 
as an egg's full of meat. 

Hugger. A prig? 

Mugger. Yes ; but don't you be frightened, 
Susanna Maria Jane, Moses will swindle any amount 
of Huggers. 

Hugger. (Aside) Will he? Oh! the old scum 

of the earth. (Aloud) Moses ! you must cherish 

him ; give him much money and many stimulants ; 

his father and mother are in spirit-land with me, 

, and behave like angels to me. 

/ Mugger. Eh, what, have you got among Hug- 

ger's relations ? Then all I can say is, you're mixing 
with a very shady lot. Susanna Maria Jane, and the 
sooner you come out of that the better. 

Hugger. (In his own voice) What, you cahmi- 
niating crocodile ! my blessed father and mother a 
shady lot ! — take that ! (Flings a bundle on his 
shelf, at Mugger, zvho collapses in a heap in a fright 
— Hugger jumps dozvn on him) 

Mugger. Help! murder! fire! (Hugger pum- 
mels him) 

Hugger. I'll teach you to abuse my parents, you 
miserable purveyor of marine stores. (Thev both 
struqgle up and face each other) 

Mugger. Very well, Mr. Hugger, I'll have the 
law on yooi. 

Hugger. No. you won't, ]\Ioses. for two can plav 
at that game. How about my money and investing 
for ^Iv. Hugger? 

Mugger. Eh, was that you? whew! Well, you 
got your money, didn't you, what more do you 
want? \\'hat did vou whack me for? 



14 HUGGER-MUGGER 

Hugger. Slanging my sainted parents ; but come. 
Moses, I'll make my peace with you. I've got a 
customer for you, a friend of mine, who wants to 
buy some pictures. I've told him I'm in the trade, 
so you must let me sell for you. 

Mugger. Well, I'll do anything if you can only 
sell a picture. They've hung on my hands till I 
could cut them up out of spite. 

Hugger. I'll make a good bargain, never fear, 
only I'm not respectable enough. Now if you will 
only aid me. 

Mugger. Vv^ell, what d'ye want? 

Hugger. Simply your clothes. 

Mugger. What ! and leave me 

Hugger. Peace, bashful being, I only require 
such an assortment of your habiliments as will enable 
me to make a decent appearance before our cus- 
tomers. 

Mugger. It strikes me if you're rigged up out 
of both of us you won't be much of a swell. 

Hugger. Perhaps not ; but my demeanour will 
do the rest ! When my late lamented father called 
me Horatio Nelson 

Mugger. Stop! Stow that. If you tell me that 
story again I won't lend you a single thing. It is 
not a good story to begin with, and I have heard it 
so often that my soul revolts at the thought of 
hearing it again. 

Hugger. Ah ! You have no appreciation of 
humour. But come, old boy, you'll lend me some 
of your clothes. You'll stand in, you know, if I 
make a good bargain. 

Mugger. All right. What do you want. 

Hugger. {Reflecting) Well the coat and 
trowsers will do. I don't mention your waistcoat, 
for I fancy your uncle has put in a prior claim, 
and as for your shirt 

Mugger. No, Hugger, no. We must draw the 



HUGGER-MUGGER 15 

line somewhere, and I draw it at my shirt. Besides 
you'd scorn such a little thing. I've had it so long 
that I give you my word it's no bigger than a pocket 
handkerchief ! 

Hugger. Very well, with your coat and trowsers 
and my own necktie, I shall do famously. 

Mugger. I suppose we're to exchange toggery. 

Hugger. Eh! oh, of course. (Aside) Are we. 
I know a trick worth two of that. I intend to leave 
Moses planted here. 

Mugger. I believe you're up to some games ; but 
I suppose I must do as you ask. 

Hugger. Forgiving creature. Retire behind that 
table and divest yourself of the habiliments indis- 
pensable to masculine humanity. 

(Muggler rehictantly goes behind the table and 
hands out his trozvsers to Hugger, ivho nimbly 
puts them on over his own.) 

Mugger. Hollo ! What are you doing. Stop, 
stop ; we were to exchange. 

Hugger. Oh ! we needn't bother about that, it's 
only for a few minutes. The object is to hide my 
garments, and it's no use you're wearing them. 
(Aside) If he puts on my inexpressibles I shan't 
be able to give him the slip. 

Mugger. And w^hat am I to do when the cus- 
tomer comes ? 

Hugger. Have you got any money? 

Mugger. Three half-pence. 

Hugger. Well, let me see, this spec wall run to a 
half-penny. Here you are. Go next door and have 
a toothful. 

Mugger. Next door. Why you forget. (Points 
to his legs) It will be precious cold, to say nothing 
of creating a trifling sensation in the place. 

Hugger. What, has it come to this, that Moses 



1 6 HUGGER-MUGGER 

IN'Iugger refuses to go to a public when a friend 
stands treat? 

Mugger. Stands treat? The skinflint gives me 
a ha'penny, and calls that standing treat. 

Hugger. No, Moses, no ! I can't trust my ears. 

Mugger. Egad, and I can't trust my legs. 

Hugger. A mere matter of detail ! Take a rug. 

Mugger. Hugger, it's impossible! Nobody but 
a Highlander can go about without his trousers. 
Come, Hugger, let us exchange. {Knock heard at 
door) 

Hugger. Hark ! — there's the customer. We 
must hide you here. 

Mugger. Oh, horror. Hugger — I implore you, 
give me back my bags ! 

Hugger. No, no ; there's no time ! Come, we 
must hide you. Hark! (Knock heard again) 

Mugger. What can I do? The pictures are not 
large enough. 

Hugger. The pictures. Good idea — I have it ! 
You shall be a picture, your charmingly sensitive 
feelings will then not be wounded. 

Mugger. What d'ye mean? 

Hugger. Simply this — we will use this picture 
frame ; it shall be supported on the table, near the 
wall, in the corner ; and, with your head draped, you 
shall gaze vacantly through it. The leaf of the table 
will hide your legs. You will make an admirable 
picture! (Aside) Quite an old master — in the 
matter of dirt ! 

Mugger. Oh, Walker! 

Hugger. I beg your pardon — the party you 
mention was not a painter ; and the idea is a good 
one, we want an extra picture to show, and you'll 
do very well. Come, bustle about ! 

Mugger. I knew he'd do me! Oh, I wish I'd 
never taken a lodger ! 



HUGGER-MUGGER 17 

(The table is arranged again'st the wall, with a 
picture frame on it and a cloth over it — Mugger 
puts his head into the frame, and assumes the 
look of a " Portrait of a Gentleman " — a knock 
is heard, and Hugger opens door, c. Enter 
Customer, c.) 

Hugger. (To Customer, blandly) Good morn- 
ing, sir — the works of art are all on view ! 

Customer. Thank you. (Looks round the 
room) 

Hugger. Yes, sir; you see around you the old 
masters. They were called masters, as you are 
doubtless aware, because they taught drawing; the 
epithet old was applied on account of the general 
leeriness of their dispositions. 

Customer. Indeed ! 

Hugger. Yes. That's a nice picture. (As 
Hugger is speaking he is tapping various pictures 
zvith a little cane, and occasionally touches Mugger 
on the nose, greatly to his disgust) It belonged to 
a nobleman, who ruined himself on the turf, and 
he was so sorry to part with it that he wept, sir ; 
and we left him standing ankle deep in tears on the 
steps of his old manorial hall. That's a Raffle, that 
is. 

Customer. A raffle? How much a throw? 

Hugger. No, no — Raffle, the old master! The 
price, sir, is, to you, one pound ten. Have a cigar, 

Customer. Thank you. 

(As Hugger speaks he goes to Mugger's mantel- 
piece and takes a cigar wrapped up in paper, 
which he gives to Customer — Mugger's face 
expresses extreme disgust — Customer and 
Hugger walk up l., and Mugger's eyes follow 
them anxiously — Customer notices it.) 

Mugger. Hang him. My Sunday cigar. 



i8 HUGGER-MUGGER 

Customer. Dear me. Was not that portrait's 
head turned the other way? (Indicating Mugger, 
Zi'ho looks solemn) 

Hugger. Ah. sir, that's the ilkision. That's the 
leeriness of a very old master ; the eyes of a good 
portrait always seem to follow you about. 

Customer. May I ask whose portrait that is? 

Hugger. (Playfully tapping Mugger on the 
nose) That, sir, is the portrait of a famous Venetian 
malefactor who was hung by order of the Republic, 
and died with curses on his lips. 

Customer. Ah ! he looks a desperate character. 

Hugger. Yes, the old master has caught the 
felonious expression remarkably well. 

(During this speech, to Mugger's horror, — Hugger 
has pocketed various little articles on the 
mantelpiece.) 

Customer. Well, I'll take that Raffle. Here's 
the money. (Gives Hugger money zvhich he im- 
mediately pockets) By the way what's the price of 
the malefactor, I've taken rather a fancy to him. 
(Mugger's face expresses delight) 

Hugger. (Confused) The malefactor. Oh! 
he's not for sale, the fact is, he's a friend of the 
family, — a relation, — no I don't mean that. 

Customer: Oh! I wouldn't deprive you of a 
relation for worlds. Good morning. 

Hugger. Good morning, sir. 

(Exit Customer, c. — Hugger closely follows him 
out, turning round at the door, putting his 
fingers to his nose, and saying, " Good morning, 
malefactor.") 

Mugger. Stop, come back I say, come back, — 
{Is about to rush out when he recollects his condi- 



HUGGER-MUGGER 19 

tion and stops) Oh! I can't run after him. The 
perfidious wretch, after subjecting me to all these 
indignities, I shan't see a penny of the money. I 
know what he'll do— he'll drink it. {Weeps) I 
should do it myself in his place ; what shall I do for 
clothes. Happy thought, the old closet — {Turns 
round and searches in closet in wall, l., brings out a 
policeman's dress, which he rapidly puts on) I 
knew I had some old clothes, I bought them from a 
member of the force who skedaddled. Now I can 
be revenged, Hugger will come in maudlin, and I'll 
arrest him. " Venetian malefactor " indeed. — 
{While he speaks Mugger has rapidly made up 
his clothes into a dummy of himself; which he places 
partially under the table, lying with its face to the 
ground) 

{Enter Hugger, c.) 

Hugger. {Slightly obfuscated, singing) "For 
he's a jolly good fellow, which nobody can deny." 
Yes ! Horatio Nelson Hugger, you are a jolly good 
fellow — shake hands, old boy. {Shakes his left hand 
affectionately zvith his right) Where's honest Moses. 
(Sees Mugger standing erect in his policeman's 
drcs's) Hollo! Active and intelligent officer! 
Somebody's wanted? Is it Moses, or is it me? I 
must pull myself together. {To Mugger) Good 
morning, sir. 

Mugger. Your name's Hugger, I believe? 

Hugger. A man's not bound to criminate himself, 
but I'll go so far as to admit that my name might be 
Hugger. 

Mugger. Then, sir, it is my painful duty to arrest 
you. 

Hugger. Arrest me? What for? Man of spot- 
less character, keep a gig, and been vaccinated on 
both arms. 

Mugger. Yes, sir. From information I have 



20 HUGGER-MUGGER 

received T have to arrest you for the murder of 
Moses Mugger, Esq., dealer in marine stores and 
antiquities, residing at No. 5, Wobblerboy Street, 
lodgings to let for a single gentleman. 

Hugger. (Aghast) Murder! Little Moses. 
Oh, I must be dreaming. That last tumbler has 
given me D. T. The active and intelligent's merely 
a delusion, like a spider or a black dog. Blue devil, 
avaunt ! 

Mugger. \Miich it's you that's wanted, Mr. 
Hugger? Come, sir, you'd better go quietly. 

Hugger. Peace, idiotic myrmidon of a paternal 
government, I have murdered nobody. 

Mugger. What ! you villain, with the tangled 
corpse a lying at your feet. Look there. (Points to 
dummy lying on its face partially concealed under 
the table) 

Hugger. (Starting) Good gracious! This is 
a mistake. IMoses ! Moses ! Wake up ! 

Mugger. No, sir. He's a-gone to his long sleep. 
You've murdered a superior man, Mr. Hugger, with 
an eligible semi-detached apartment to let. 

Hugger. (Aside) This is horrible. I always 
had an absurd prejudice against being hanged. (To 
Mugger) I assure you, sir, I had nothing to do with 
the slaughter of my unfortunate friend. He has 
committed suicide. I am certain. He frequently 
threatened to kill himself. 

AIugger. Oh, he did, did he? 

Hugger. Bless you, yes. I had constantly to hide 
his razors. Poor Moses, he was rather touched 
here, you knoAV. (Taps his forehead significantly) 

Mugger. Ah ! off his nut, was he ? 

Hugger. Quite mad, I assure you. He had all 
sorts of delusions. He used to fancy himself a 
bottlejack — spin round to the right — click — then 
whirl away again to the left. (As Hugger 'speaks, 
he initates the motion he describes) 



HUGGER-MUGGER 21 

Mugger. (Aside) Oh, that I should live to hear 
this! (Aloud) Dear me, was he as bad as that? 

Hugger. Yes, frequently. (Aside) I think I 
can square the active and intelligent. (Aloud) 
So you see, officer, it's no use arresting me. What'U 
you take? 

Mugger. In pursuance of my duty, sir, I shall 
take you to the police station ; but in the mean time 
I don't mind a drain. 

Hugger. Certainly; here's a bottle of the right 
stuff. (Hugger produces a bottle) 

Mugger. (Aside) The wretch! That's how he's 
been spending my money. (Aloud) Thank you, 
sir. (Hugger pulls the fable a little forward, and 
they sit doivn and fill their glasses) 

Hugger. Poor Moses, if he'd been alive now, we 
might have had a rubber, but, egad, he's playing 
duinmy now with a vengeance, ha, ha ! 

Mugger. Ha, ha ! very good. (Aside) Unfeel- 
ing vagabond ! 

Hugger. Ah, and it's not the first time he's been 
under the table I'll warrant you. 

Mugger. What, sir, did he drink? 

Hugger. Gallons, dear boy. He was always 
called boozy Moses. 

Mugger. Oh, was he. (Aside) I shall throw 
the bottle at his head directly. (Aloud) Well, sir, 
I must do my duty and take you away. 

Hugger. No, no. Come, now, you know it's 
suicide. Can't we square it. 

Mugger. Well, if it is suicide of course it ain't 
murder. How much have you got? 

FIugger. Here's a sovereign. (Hands one over, 
which Mugger takes) 

Mugger. (Aside) Why he must have spent half 
a quid in lush. (Aloud) That's something! 
Haven't you any more? 



22 HUGGER-MUGGER 

Hugger. No, but Moses might. Shall I look in 
his pockets? 

Mugger. (Aside) This is too much. (Aloud) 
No, sir, I will be no party to rifling the body of your 
dead friend. You are a heartless villain, sir, and I 
shall arrest you for murder. 

Hugger. Spare me! (Goes dozvn on his knees) 

Mugger. No, sir; I shall conduct you to the — 
ahem ! — to the gallows. 

Hugger. Mercy, mercy! (Grovels dozvn over 
the body, zvliich collapses) 

Mugger. No, sir ; you'll be hanged by the neck, 
till you are dead ! 

Hugger. O-o-o-oh ! Don't say that ! (Feeling 
the dummy very flat, he suddenly raises himself) 
Eh! — what's this? Moses is mighty soft. (Turns 
the dummy over and then looks up) 

Mugger. (Helps himself to a glass of grog and 
drinks it) The malefactor looks towards you, Mr. 
Hugger ! 

Hugger. (Jumping up in a fury) Sold — sold! 
Oh, you viper ! 

Mugger. Now you can play dummy with " boozy 
Moses." 

Hugger. Where's my sovereign, you vile im- 
postor ? 

Mugger. Your sovereign? No, no ; I'm not quite 
so touched in the head as to part now. 

Hugger. Ah, well ! — I give in. Moses, you score 
one. I forgive you — the biter has "been bit. But, 
oh, Moses, what could not you and I do together? 
Let us go into partnership, and prey upon society ! 

Mugger. Agreed. (They shake hands) We will 
deal in marine stores together. 

Hugger. We will let semi-detached apartments 
together; and take in lodgers. 

Mugger. We will : and sell " old masters " to- 
gether. 



HUGGER-MUGGER 23 

Hugger. And relieve the bloated capitalist of 
any articles of attire — such as jewellery and pocket 
handkerchiefs — with which he can dispense without 
inconvenience. We will promote companies and 
start newspapers ; we will indulge in all those mis- 
cellaneous commercial operations, which when con- 
ducted on a small scale are called thieving, but a 
large scale, financing. 

Mugger. We will. But look here. Honour 
amone 



Hugger. Can you doubt me ? Honour bright ! 
Mugger. Hugger ! 
Hugger. Mugger ! 



*&fc)^ 



{Stage embrace, during which each picks the other's 
pocket, and extracts therefrom a handkerchief.) 

Curtain 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 




